Random things from Zerns today..

Maybe it is something in the air lately?
Maybe it is something inside of me...

But I decided to take lessons on how to paint like the Dutch Masters- yes! Paint...
Something I have wanted to do for SO LONG and never had the time, money, courage.
Well I am still not sure if I have the money and the courage- but now is the time!

Tell me- have you felt like your life has been on "auto-pilot"?
Goodness... do something about it!
SEIZE THE DAY!

You are not getting younger, time is not going to wait, there is never a better time than the present...

Well- those are the voices that have been swelling in my mind lately.

This time I am paying attention.
I call it SPRING!

So I am going to call my instructor tomorrow and find out the specifics.
I am excited to learn how to grind my own pigments! Mmm-pigments!

In the meantime- I finished my little odd awkward painting today- FINALLY!

and I even got back to work on this one:

"Infant of Cats"- with a cat on his head and a ball of yarn in his hands...
It is good to be so challenged in life...

So maybe this is the message from the Universe workings it way through me to you...
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today!

My Dad came over and we went to Lunch on Tuesday. We had Thai at the same little restaurant that we went too when I was about ten yours old. Funny how it is still there and that we are still going. There were two groups of ladies playing Mahjong which I found to be quite interesting. 

The view from my desk in the studio- this is the painting area. I finished my two-headed bunny painting today~! I shall take photo and post them later for you to see.

And me- Way too early in the morning yesterday. Before my hair and makeup! Hahaha~and only one cup of coffee half finished.

Okay- that is it for right now.
More later...
xox

Silly rain and sun today... mmm spring!

Tattoos:
What is it like to knowingly put your body through such pain?

Well from what I know of the pain I felt today, I will share with you, some thoughts about the process that I sat through for three hours, with you.

I think you just ignore, forget, fool yourself into believing that pain is not such a terrible thing when it comes to wanting a pay off of a tattoo.

In my mind I know fully well that it is going to hurt like hell. But I ignore it because I want this pretty picture on my body and I figure it is worth a few hours of pain... right? Haaa... sure. I always forget. My body just seems to cut off that huge part of this process. For the average person who does not like needles or takes pain well, this would be a cold slap in the face- saying, "NO WAY!" Well... they might be the smart ones. It makes sense to resist such things. I know well enough not to touch a hot stove as well as the rest of the world -well mostly. But yet in this case, I still set out a block of time for the afternoon, get showered, dressed in clothes which I know will allow him access to my skin without having to completely get undressed (much to his disappointment- maybe? I would think that might be a perk of such a career?). I watch the clock and drive downtown through the rain and traffic, hoping to find a parking place- only to get there and sit for almost three hours of self imposed pain.  Humm... do the math? Making art in a warm dry studio, drinking coffee, listening to something on the television while the cats sleep... or having vibrating needles dig ink into your soft sensitive skin?
Ahhh yes.
This does not add up.

Let me tell you a little of what it truly was like for me.

At first, I was sitting up right in a chair. Straddling it backwards as he began to work. His arms leaning on my bare back. My hands were crossed in front of me at first. The needles began and I was shocked into complete and total awareness that I was receiving pain. All of my senses were on fire. Everything becomes very clear. I can hear sounds differently. I feel like I can see colors more brightly and everything is crisp. I notice things that I never noticed before because my mind is looking for an escape from the pain. I see my water bottle on the floor where I placed it and notice how much water I have drank today. I see his business cards lined up neatly in a little holder waiting for the perfect stranger to receive one. The music changes from hardcore punkrock of my youthful days to something like a ballad by Eartha Kitt or someone sounding very sultry. I lock onto it trying to focus as best as I can- all which running from the pain. I find my fingers are beginning to dig into the back of the chair. I notice the metal I am gripping onto. It is cool to the touch. My body starts to sink deeper down. My posture fades and I am pushing harder against the back of the foam padding.

I carry on a carefree in my conversation- talking about picking crayon colors for the Crayola Crayon Company, and how it would be a perfect job for me. I say I can create the most unusual color names in the word and spit out the color name: "Metabolism Gray".  He happily plays along with my strange games and says, "Chopstick Beige", stating that "if beige were not enough of a description, that using the word "chopstick" would make it a most perfect shade ever". We come up with several more including Squirrel belly pink before I notice that my knuckles are beginning to loose color and feeling. I have been gripping too hard and I need to stop.

I find a moment when he is pausing to change something on his magic tray of supplies and I turn to him and say, "Darlin, I need to do this laying down". Ahh such a sweet patient kind boy, he quickly stops and goes for his massage table and sets it up. This is such a well-needed break from this pain. But the voice in my head is telling me that this is not going to be easy. I return the thought of, "TOO LATE NOW- you can't turn back because it is not finished and you would look foolish- let alone be too embarrassed to explain that the pain is too much..." It is that easy. Fear of embarrassment is all that it takes to make me lay down on that table.

I mange to find a position where I can get comfortable and he starts back to work on me. THERE IT IS AGAIN! Goodness that pain is sharp and focused. I switch up my legs a million times, I squish my face into the soft vinyl table and I shut my eyes as tightly as I can. I continue to listen to the music and hope for something that I can follow along too. Needles change rhythm, he wipes away the blood and ink each time he makes another pass- Wipe, wipe, drill, drill, wipe again I flinch. It is torture. Who would think that something like soft paper towels could feel like fire?

Another pause after about a half-hour and I jump at the chance to run to the bathroom. I think that the pain of this whole process makes the body loose control and having to go. It becomes something that cannot be stopped I fear. I run into the bathroom and shut the door. I can feel the ice-cold breeze on my back and it is divine. Such sweet relief. It is just the break I need for my brain to be fooled into thinking that -again- this pain is not so bad. Ahh bargaining again inside with the voices! Ha!

I return to the table this time for the last hour or so. The music has changed, people come in and out of the shop. I pay attention to voices and play games with myself at who is saying what. Towards the end, after my conversations have turn to pure nonsense and I am loosing my vocabulary, I notice that I have begun to grab hold of the underside of the massage table. Gripping it like I was holding onto to the side of a building thirty stories up. I was sore; my neck completely stiff and time was running out.

I then felt it- I cold wet slush of liquid across my back. Did I hear the sound of a sizzle? No, that was all in my mind. Ah but it was over. He told me to take a look and see. I laughed to myself thinking I truly did not care what I would see and that it was perfect no matter what. All I want to do is pay and run as fast as I can away  from this place- right now!

He handed me the mirror and I looked. It was lovely. Subtle colors just like the photograph of the actual bug. I turned to him and smiled and said that I loved it. I gushed. I meant it. I thanked him. He is such a dear friend of mine. Could pull double duty as my therapist with all the talking we do to pass the time. It is always a brilliant turn out when we get together... and the pain was slowly fading into a tolerable dull hum.

He bandaged me up with something like a giant diaper and taped me in pretty good. I could not easily move my arm or get dressed so he helped me to get my arm through my blouse. I put on my scarf and coat and returned to the girl who walked in about three hours earlier. Happy again, forgetful, silly, as witty as I can manage, and always humble...

Before I left, I snared another photo with him. He is so patient with me and plays along nicely. I know he enjoys my odd playful nature.

You know... for liking him as much as I do, returning to him again and again- I think it is so incredibly strange that I pay him to; essentially, hurt me!!! Hummm this is such a strange concept. But it works and I am sure I will go back and sit through the pain again. It is really all worth forgetting in the end. Thank you body... now lets get some sleep!
xox

I welcomed Spring this morning at the window. Watched the soothing colors of the last morning of winter- leaving. Replaced with optimism. The programs on television all paused to count down the seconds until she arrived. It was as if Winter has stayed just a little too long this year. It must have something to do with the state of affairs across this world. People are all so hungry for change.

Me...
I am okay.
Not perfect. Not 100%... but I am working on it.
I managed to let my guard down a few times today. Crying at the most simplest of things. Like when I saw the crescent moon hiding in plan view this morning against the pale colors of morning... that made me cry.

I didn't say this makes sense... it is just me. My feeling are so raw at the moment.
Serves me right for bottling so much up inside. Just takes a few things to shake me up and the next thing you know- you have a fragile silly Girl on your hands. Uuugh! It is so not my style.
Oh- don't get me wrong- it is necessary- or else I would be a robot or a serial killer... But I do not enjoy it.

So I got this idea this afternoon- to plant some seeds for the first day of Spring. I actually am using them as a calendar of sorts. To chart time. I also thought it would be nice to bury my feelings and have something nice come out of all of this. HOW IS THAT for being all meaningful and sappy? Ha!

So I planted black and white carnations, Loves Lies Bleeding, Forget Me Not, and red sun- sunflowers.
I have about 6-8 weeks to have them ready to put into the ground. We shall see how the weather is doing- but I think it will be prefect.

I will take photos and share their progress.

AND so I am here in bed- past midnight. Sleepy and drained. It was a good distracting day- spend with dear friends who all have helped me feel better. I am fortunate.

Tomorrow is another day.
I look forward to a day filled with GREAT OPTIMISM!
Good night...for now.
xox

EDIT: I got my second opinion tonight from the husband- and he found it... I am not crazy.

Seems as if this whole thing with my cycle being caught in overdrive- bleeding for weeks at a time.
Is in my head.

So I am told again.

What about that small hard mass I felt?
Not there according to the doctor.

I checked... it is there.
Says I must be feeling some bone. I guess I don't know the difference between a bone and a small hard mass.

That dull pain which is not cramps- is cramps. I guess I just don't really know what cramps are.

So no need to have any tests done. No need for ultra-sound. All I need is to go on the pill again.

"some women just have crazy cycles..." the pill will fix that up for you in no time.

I need a time out.

Woke up early with the boy but felt awful.
Went downstairs and helped him out the door. Did the usual- pick up the nearest cat and make kitty wave goodbye to boy.
I then sat on the couch trying to wake up. Even went as far as to make coffee. Didn't seem to work. I decided that this cold needed more than only 3 1/2 hours of sleep from the night before. So I went back to bed. I tried to ignore the guilt.

I woke up at 10:30am. I got busy running around the house getting things done. Went out to the post office but could not get into the parking lot because of everyone in Parkville going at once. So I began to go to Village Thrift- but something told me to wait- and so I went to Joanne Fabrics for a few simple supplies. I then headed over to the grocery store and did the dreaded big shopping. Been getting creative with food lately.

On the way home I saw a lovely sad dead bird in the road. I passed by but stopped after a few feet and turned around. I grabbed a plastic bag with scrap-paper inside and threw it on the seat. I got out and went over and picked the sweet little bird up and brought it to my car and took a moment to look at it. It could not be more than an hour past life. Still slightly warm. So pretty. Gold around his beak and a few slightly colorful feathers mixed with the generic gray. As you must know by know- I have a problem with Death. I don't do well with it and so when I see something like this poor little bird in the road- ready to be squashed- I really felt an urgency to save it from such an indignity... Not sure what I will do with bird. I am sure a photo is coming. Perhaps a drawing too... So strange to think it could be flying one minute and dead the next. I mean- sure people do this all the time- sitting in the chair reading one minute- dead the next. But it is so odd. AND with all of these little creatures all around us all the time- where do ALL the BODIES go? You would think you might see more dead things around.

Thomas came home and we took a quick nap. We got up and headed out to Rotating Sushi in Towson with John and Libby. Not our usual Thursday night sushi thing- but perfect none- the less!

The weather was mild tonight- in the mid-50's. I felt deep excitement. Maybe it is the Moon rising so large, the sun staying up later these days or that I saw my first Daffodils today! I am really ready for SPRING! Just have to get past these next few cold days which are coming...

Yep- that was my day.
Now it is time for bed.

More in a few.
xxoxx