I decided that I need to keep busy. This way I have no time to feel sorry for myself. Right?

So today I have a lot to work on. You know-nothing life moving. Just stuff to keep me distracted. I will treat these tasks as if they are very important, like I need to complete at the office. Paid tasks!

Like sorting clothes in the basement, working on some drawing, taking up the little pool in the backyard, cleaning up the studio, and working on a commission. Things like that.
I will be happy to be tired today.

Anyway-I hope I can stay focused and finish strong. Well shall see. It helps that I had a good weekend. I just need to keep things going in an upwards direction.

And so-away to the basement I go. Stupid E'ffing clothes all a mess. Will be happy to get these things under control.

More later.

I managed to make it out of that past week and into today. Saturday. Ugh...

All of this is so not easy. I feel like I did when I was 24yrs old having just suffered a terrible break up with a 7yr relationship. That was really awful and a dark time. It was June. The summer was just beginning and I remember not getting out of bed. My Mom and Dad were really concerned. It sucked. I looked ahead at that summer without anyone. I didn't have any friends or any plans. I felt like I lost everything. If it wasn't for my sister in law at that time-for asking me out to lunch I don't know how I would have recovered. I mean... I did. I would have in some way. I just hate having my spirit crushed.

By July I had signed up for the last 3 college classes. I had grown SO co-dependent on that relationship that I never had to be alone and do things on my own. Going to class for the first time alone was weird. Hard. But I did. I had to. I had to finish college and graduate. I met a boy in the halls. A Sociology major who was a sight to be seen. Piercing and tattoos back then was more rare. By August we started to date. It was good for me to snap out of feeling blue and try dating. Hahaa-I went from being 17yrs old to 24yrs-with one person. What did I know about dating? Nothing. That relationship only made it to the end of October. It was fast and intense and ended surprisingly easy. I moved onto dating a boy I had known while dating my 7yr boy. He knew the baggage I was carrying. He was amazing and so young an a very good friend. Only 19 or 20 and oh could he kiss. Dating him was so good. He was attentive and really fell hard for me. The worst thing was having to end it with him. It was not fair to steal the heart of a boy at that age. (He turned into a great husband and dad these days-and we are still chat once a year or so). I hated having to tell him it was over. I knew how it felt.

The New Year came and along came my future husband. He was quiet, strong, with an uncertain nature. He asked me out and I was so out of practice that I really didn't get the hint. I liked that he was challenging. Hard to read. Always assertive with life overall. He drove. Had an apartment. I was used to only dating boys. He was very much a man even though he was 2yrs younger than me. We began our relationship back in 1995. A year later we were getting married. That was 16yrs ago.

He is still hard to read, challenging, assertive, but kind. Some of that is good. Some of it is hard. After all these years I would have thought I would know him inside out and backwards but I never will. Not completely. He is still very much a mystery at times.

Is this part of my problem?
That I just feel alone even though I am loved?
That I am missing something?

I don't know... I never have gone to a therapist to talk about myself. I never took meds to feel better. Ever. I have always been able to overcome the darkest times inside.

So why is this "nothing" I am going though, so hard? Perhaps it is not just one thing, but a combination of many things coming together at one time? Perhaps I just never addressed issues from my past? Maybe I am so good at bottling things up that I create this pressure?

On a side note: I decided to look into possible reasons for this happening and here is what I found-

* Examine your diet. What you eat - or don’t eat - can influence your mood. The same diets that can cause heart disease and arthritis in some individuals - one that is high in sodium and saturated fat, and low in whole, fresh plant foods and unrefined essential fatty acids (EFAs) - can cause depression in others. Likewise, food allergies can also alter brain function and trigger depression (Biol Psychiatry, 1981; 16: 3-19). Wheat, milk, corn, beef and eggs are common culprits (Ann Allergy, 1982; 48: 166-71). But bear in mind that food allergies linked to depression often have an addictive quality - so whatever you eat compulsively may be contributing to the problem.

So Did my Adkins Induction trigger this?

** Drug-induced depression is very common. Around 200 different classes of drugs have been implicated, including beta-blockers, tranquillisers, corticosteroids and birth-control pills, as well as alcohol and recreational drugs. If you think you may be reacting to a drug, consider switching to another family of drugs or trying other options.

So are my Birth Control Pills making me crazy (Beside killing my sex drive?)
Finally it says to:

* Acknowledge your feelings. Depressed individuals often try to suppress their ‘bad’ feelings, especially those concerning distressing life experiences. ‘Confessing’ your most troubling feelings and experiences in a private diary can have significant long-term benefits on both mental and physical health (J Abnorm Psychol, 1986; 95: 274-81; J Consult Clin Psychol, 1989; 57: 414-9).

I guess only time will tell-as cliche as that sounds. If I could get though the Blues before, I can do it again. Right? Yes.

Oh well-I better finish up my coffee, and get moving today. Grateful to be distracted but things to do...

More tomorrow.

I am not sure I believe in planetary things-but they say that Mercury has been in retrograde this week.

http://www.ismercuryinretrograde.com/

Read a rather enjoyable article by Gala here: http://galadarling.com/article/how-to-survive-mercury-retrograde

I like to think that life could be simply impacted by something "Happening" to me like Mercury being a terrible child throwing a fit-but I tend to side with medicine and assume it must be a hiccup in my chemistry.

Whatever the case-I have been doing what I can to make it through. I didn't cry yet this morning really (Only a few tears when I read a lovely letter on another site from a friend-wishing me well. It was nice to hear from him.) I managed to go out yesterday with a local lady to have lunch and talk about her new business opening. If it had not already been scheduled last week I am sure I would never have gone out. She is opening a gift shop & she wants me to be featured there. I had a delicious crab cake for lunch, talked about things, took a tour of my very own neighborhood (3miles up the street) noticed shops and stores that I had never noticed. It was a very good distraction.

I talked to Thomas too. As I always do-well mostly. It was a good conversation. He did suggest that I might go talk to a therapist. I am not sure if that will help or if I am ready to open up about my life. I still believe I can wait this out and repair the little broken bits along the way.

I look at my life and I can see the patterns. When I was 5yrs old, my mother would try to take my to Kindergarten and I would refuse to go and would hold onto her. One day she tricked me into going and I stood there crying in the doorway of the class. They tried to get the little girl who lived up the street from me to help me, by sitting next to me. (Shit this is going to make me cry) Needless to say I have problems with people leaving. I am sensitive I guess? I never have lived on my own. People have ALWAYS taken care of me. THIS is not good to do to a child because they grow up and turn into me and now look at me... Having issues of being alone. Weird too because I do tend to think  of myself as strong and fearless. I guess that is not true. The moment I think of being left alone with no one to love or talk too I fall apart. Nice huh? So if you are in my life, and you die or just move on, I will fall apart. Ugh...

Sorry I am not the most awesome person you thought I was... I just seem to get by.

And so I will work to get through today. Storms are coming. Cats are sleeping. It is early still. I have a lot of typing work to finish. I have to go and drop off my contract too. Later a girl is coming over to work with Thomas on his Photo project so I need to make sure the house is clean and straightened as well as the studio. And finally, I will need to start another year of my 365-photo a day project. Another daily distraction.

Yes, I have things to keep me busy today. Still can't think of making art. That perhaps is the worst part-I never felt so broken that I could Not turn to art to save me. *sigh* 

At least today is better so far-than the last few days.

*Did I just jinx myself? Are you listening Mercury? Leave me alone!

For the past 3 days I have been unable to stop feeling completely & utterly sad. To the point of spending the days crying. You see-I don't cry. I rarely feel bad. I don't know how this happened, or how to turn it off. I certainly don't want to feel like this. It is like having the flu. I guess it just has to run its course.

I just feel alone. Broken.

I am home each day without anyone. That is not easy for me-more so when I don't have any deadlines.

I'm having a rough month with money and artful success. I did that solo show and I sat in an empty room-if it wasn't for my friend Joel showing up with his aunt and cousin I would have left early. I think to myself-if I was any one of the artists that I follow here on line, I would have easily had a packed room even in the middle of the summer. I then had to teach a workshop that was split 50/50 and managed $40 a student. I am used to teaching 20 people for $100. I guess I should be grateful for whatever I get. AND the lovely "students" were so nice.

I have not been able to complete anything I do.

My on-line photo (365) project is coming to an end today. I am not sure how to continue. I have been doing it for 3years straight and it is a HUGE undertaking to upload a photo each day and not miss. One year is FANTASTIC here I am at 3 years. How do I stop that? Its hard.

I can't connect to others. I lost friendship with the two friends I usually see on Friday nights. It just happened. They found other friends to do stuff with. I find it hard to think about reconnecting now too. I'm a little mad that it happened. I didn't want things to change like that-they were all we really had for so long. Other than them? I don't have anyone I am close with. No real friends like that. I guess I am not good at making friends. No one really is dedicated to friendship these days. So many are distracted and aloof.

Yes-I have Thomas and he is trying to do what he can to help-but he has his own emotions to deal with. It makes us both broken at the moment.

I am not working in the real sense of earning a paycheck. I am only scheduled to work one class this semester due to budget cut backs and changes. I look ahead and I am so nervous. It is not easy to navigate working in a strange world of art.

So you would think-just get busy. Go do something. Sure...so when I went to paint yesterday, I felt completely overwhelmed and sick to my stomach. Do you think there is a correlation? Yes. I only wish I had a deadline for something so I could ignore my feelings and just get busy.

It is so much more.

The death of my Mom is weighing on me. I went to try to find my Grandmother's grave and found it gone. I worry about my Dad. I worry about being alone. I really miss my friend who passed away (Today would have been his 61 birthday). He was always good at pep-talks that motivated me. More and more people pass away the older I get. Slowly and then it will speed up. How can my heart take that?

All of this happens when I am left alone to think.

I am smart-I know how to logically FIX this. Get up-go out-make new friends-make more art-be fantastic. But right now-I can't. I can barely leave the house. (*I did go out last night and hung out with my Friend Joel. It helped a lot because he is so good at making great conversation. I felt good for those few hours and I really looked forward to getting up-getting dressed, showered, and actually ate ice cream that he insisted I eat. It was JUST what I needed. But he has a life and can not do this everyday. I wish he could. I wish he could be my 100% full time best friend.

Anyway...I have no real reason to feel bad. It is like I am not grateful for anything I do have. But that is not it. You could tell me to feel better or point out all of these things and it doesn't change Chemistry. I am not in control of whatever is flowing through me. It sits right at the top of my chest. With one deep breath it comes flowing out. A feeling of pain that is not real pain in the sense of being physical. It is emotional. It brings tears and sobbing and well..it sucks.

I want to Not feel like this. I don't have time to sit around and stare outside. Why am I so unhappy?

Because if it was only one thing-I could work on it. But it is so many things all at once.

I just hope that tomorrow I can wake up and not cry.

Is it strange to want to be forgotten?
Perhaps its just easier than dealing with feelings.

I think it would be easier to disappear

I get what I deserve.

Ugh-I think I am getting tired of keeping a log of what I eat.
I have done it now for about a month and it is making me annoyed.
Maybe it is the heat? The mid-summer blues? Who knows.
I do know that so far I have not gained anything to write about.
I know how to keep to 20 grams of carbs a day.
I do miss crunchy things however and decided to eat almonds. I also miss eating fruit when right now it is so hard to avoid such delicious fruit.
I canned 6 jars of peach salsa yesterday because I was given free peaches. WOW they were the best ever.
So maybe it just means I need to go onto Phase 2 of Atkins and allow myself to introduce fruit?
I think I will lower my proportions too and watch calories a bit more.
BUT no logging all of it here.

Anyhoo- on a side note: I painted today
http://img.ly/images/4982793/full
(Not finished-It needs about another 1-2hours of work)

Sunday-Day Seven Again: No weighing in today
Off day-finding it hard to do Induction strictly. Had a ham & cheese w/biscuit this morning w/coffee then a steak salad followed by an ice cream because it was National Ice Cream Day. Perhaps a day off was mentally what I needed.
Will see what I can do tomorrow.

Saturday-Day Six Again: 134.0 (Not budging-tough times)
Felt so sick this morning-could not stomach coffee
Instead went off induction on purpose-ate only one meal all day.
Unsweetened Iced tea

Friday-Day Five Again: No weighing in today
Coffee w/almond milk (Finding it hard to drink a full cup of coffee these days)
Two eggs, sausage, mushrooms, feta, little bit of mayo & mustard
Ice tea

Thursday-Day Four Again: No weighing in today
Coffee w/almond milk
Roasted chicken from dinner last night
Cheese
Green beans
Trail mix (Bad! Yet delicious)

Wednesday-Day Three Again: 133.4 (Happy to see the scale moving down again-even if it is slow)
Coffee w/almond milk
Seafood salad
Roasted Chicken w/celery
Cheese

Tuesday-Day Two Again: 134.0
Coffee w/almond milk
egg salad made with a little mayo & mustard & eaten with celery
Salmon w/spinach garlic & a spoon of butter
Handful of stupid trail-mix

Monday-Day One Again: 134.6
3 cup of coffee (1/4 cup of almond milk total)
Iced tea
Cheese-breakfast
Lettuce, tuna, mayo, celery-lunch
More lettuce, turkey, 1/2 avocado, mayo, cheddar cheese & about 3 tiny tomatoes-dinner

So I started a low-carb Induction for 2 weeks. My goal to spend the summer not feeling restricted by my weight and it is not happening fast enough (I just couldn't get the scale to move) for me and so I had to resort to this. It means no sweets, no fruits, no bread, rice, pasta, nothing really normal. Bacon? Yes. Eggs and cheese? Sure thing! Meat meat and more meat? Yes Yes Yes.
Anything over 20 grams and I am screwed.

I did it once many years ago. One winter I let myself gain a lot of weight. Well a lot of weight to me. I tried Atkins induction and I lost over 18lbs in less than a month. Wow... It worked great and I kept it off.

Now I know I am not heavy-I just want to be better. So I started to reduce the carbs 2 weeks before I started this and now that transition is much easier.

Monday-Day One: 140.2
2 String cheese
3 cups of coffee (1/4 cup of almond milk total)
Chicken, grilled cauliflower w/sprinkled cheese, green beans w/garlic
Iced tea

Tuesday-Day Two: 137.6
Coffee w/almond milk
1 egg, 2 pieces of bacon
1 String Cheese
 2 hamburger patties, 3 tablespoons of hot sauce w/melted butter, 2 tablespoons of blue cheese dressing, lettuce.
Iced tea

Wednesda-Day Three: 136.4
1 1/2 cups of Coffee (less than 1/4 of almond milk)
Left over chicken & green beans salad on lettuce
1 string cheese
3 small slices of Corned Beef & Cabbage (Not in sugary brine-just spices)
Iced tea (lots)

Thursday-Day Four: 136
1 1/2 cups of Coffee (less than 1/4 of almond milk)
Chicken, hot sauce, blue cheese, celery
Meat, veggies, and cheese
Iced tea (lots)

Friday-Day Five: 135.8
1 1/2 cups of Coffee (less than 1/4 of almond milk)
1 string cheese
Meat Salad at Tilted Kilt
Iced Tea
 (Took a laxative-wow did that help make a difference)
 
Saturday- Day Six: 135.2 
a few slices of red peppers & celery-teaspoon blue cheese dressing
Beets raw, turkey salad w/hard boiled egg, bacon, cheese crumbles, cucumber, lots of lettuce (ate about 3/4) dressing was? only dipped
diet soda
Two hamburger patties, lettuce tomato (Wendy's)
Iced Tea

Sunday-Day Seven: 134.8
Went to Red Robin for a bun-less burger! Two hamburger patties, lettuce, blue cheese, hot sauce & sweet potato fries! (TOTAL CHEAT! But life is too short & this was the only meal I ate all day)
Lots of Iced Tea!

MONDAY WEEK TWO- Day Eight:134.4(slow going now)
Lots of Iced Tea!
1 1/2 cups of Coffee (less than 1/4 of almond milk)
2 sting cheese 4 almonds
5 Crabs
2 sausage patties & 1 egg
(I am eating less I know...just not hungry)

Tuesday-Day Nine: 134.0
1 1/2 cups of Coffee (less than 1/4 of almond milk)
Handful Pork Rhine's (zero carbs)
Tilapia fish grilled with lettuce & tablespoon of blue cheese
Chicken wings
Lots if Iced Tea

Wednesday-Day Ten: 134.0 (Not budging)
1 1/2 cups of Coffee (less than 1/4 of almond milk)
6 almonds
turkey lettuce mayo
1 1/2 Meatballs & grilled veggies
Iced Tea

Thursday-Day Eleven: 134.0 (Not budging)
1 cup of Coffee (less than 1/4 of almond milk)
Lettuce wrap of small piece of turkey with a little mayo
Iced tea
6 wings w/blue cheese
(I am eating WAY few calories for this scale to not be moving?)

Friday-Day Twelve: 133.4 Finally...
I haven't eaten anything yet today. Only going to eat dinner.
Iced Tea

Saturday-Day Thirteen-Ugh: I didn't weigh in due to a busy show day
I did eat 1/2 turkey bagel-MINUS the Bagel (Just turkey & sprouts & a tiny hint of cream cheese). I also had a very small side salad of spinach & chicken w/dressing
At the show I nibbled on some cheese and carrots & had about lass than 1/2 a beer
For dinner I totally screwed up & ate rice when I order my Salmon, crab, mixed steamed veggies, also tomato & feta side
(I am afraid to weight myself now...)

Sunday-Day Fourteen:133.6 (not bad considering yesterday)
I only ate one meal today-at RedRobin: Lettuce wrapped burger w/sweet potato fries-bad, I also had a little ice cream.
I feel a little out of control with poor choices. Will just have to be better tomorrow I guess.

---

Week of Vacation Starts.
Not sure how easy this is when I am not alone. My schedule will be off. It is going to difficult but I think I can stick to this.
When this week is over I will do another 2 weeks of Induction to lose the last 10lbs

---

Vacation Day 1: 133.4 (Huzzah!)
*Not sure why I ate like crap and managed to lose? I don't always realize that one meal a day which feels fine-is only one meal (No matter how full I feel after)
1 cup of Coffee (less than 1/4 of almond milk)
Meat salad
7 almonds

Vacation Day 2: 133.4
1 cup of Coffee (less than 1/4 of almond milk)
Salad from Subway breakfast
Dinner: Crab cake-no bun, chips, clams, rockfish bites iced tea
4 altoids

Vacation Day 3: 134.0 (That's what I get for eating a 1lb crab cake!)
3 cups of Coffee (less than 1/4 of almond milk)
Lettuce wrap burger & a few sweet potato fries

Vacation Day 4-7:(Trip to the Ocean today)
I gave up recording because it is supposed to be a vacation right? Because I hate to think about the things I ate.
Although I did try to avoid bad carbs-I did eat fries, and parts of rolls, etc. I even ate Salt Water Taffy.
HOWEVER with that said: I got on the scale Monday morning and sure enough I only gained 1.2 pounds from my lowest measure.

---

Cont...

I usually cover up...

When I mean cover up, I mean, in daily life, I am quite buttoned up all the time. Even in the middle of a heat wave, you can find me covering up my arms and legs. I wear jeans a lot and carry my zipper sweatshirt everywhere. In the summer I get cold in places with AC so it makes sense. It is just my nature.

I am not happy with the size of my upper arms. They are flabby for my size. I still have a hard time with fitting into tops because of my knockers! Ha! I don't like my middle either-or sitting down because of the weight. It shows and I look dumpy. I hate that! I don't want to feel like that.
I am sturdy for only 5'4 and when I get above 140lbs It looks awful!

So with that said, I took a photo in the bathroom tonight in my skivvies and for the first time I see results from eating a restricted diet. Low Carb always works. I am not hungry (although I have not been eating because it is too hot and I am just not feeling it) even without exercise I am shrinking. Just think if I actually Liked exercise! Ha! But I don't and I have a HARD time doing anything to break a sweat-except yard work in 100º)

Anyway-things are moving in the right direction. I am proud of this work. I am proud of my body lately. Better late than never...