The other day...
* The only food I ate was a big salad (lettuce,tomato,onion,steamed shrimp with an oil vinegar dressing) & a handful of trail mix. I was not hungry after that.

* Yesterday I ate 2 fish tacos, a few corn chips & an amazing beer. That was my breakfast/lunch/dinner all at one sitting last night. It was a treat to eat out & a small celebration.

So I am trying to figure out why I can't break into the 120's? I am still 133. I feel like I am not eating anything. If I track my calories I would see that I am eating about 1100 tops? Some days less. I do not want to go into a downward spiral and start eating less. This limited eating is hard. I mean, like right now, it is 9am & I am having coffee, but my stomach is growling (because I had such a big meal last night I suspect) I will push though and not eat until about 1pm maybe 2pm-but then I will get sleepy and I can't do that. Instead I will eat a piece of cheese or something so I don't crash. I do have a left-over fish taco that I might eat. Could my body just not want to go below what I am now? Like it is comfortable here?

Anyway-I know I am close. My goal is to lose 15lbs. I want to weight as much as that girl I see on line-a girl who weighs 115 and is 5'5. She is amazing and I think-WHY can't I look like her. Then I discovered that she has been eating a RAW DIET! Holy hell-that is NOT easy. I could eat raw all day but at some point I need to eat something cooked. If only I had someone who could prepare me oysters, muscles, and sashimi. *sigh* Perhaps I shall try to follow this 60%.

Isn't it funny that I will try all sorts of weird ways of eating before exercise? Hate it that much.
(*At least I have been working around the house-lifting heaving things, carrying them up & down stairs, and of course doing it all to music and dancing around for hours. THAT should count for something right?)

Soon I am going to have to give in and do some situps & crunches. Ugh. I just need to find a place to do it that won't crush my spine. Maybe I need to find a proper mat?

Blah Blah Blah!

(*EDIT: I think I need MORE water/iced teas during the day? I am probably not drinking enough-
So far-2 giant cups of iced tea & I can't resist liquifying my insides...)

Ha! Funny how 3 days of crazy mindless eating can be fixed by just taking a simple dose of Phillips. I got on the scale this morning and I am still the same weight as I was 3 days ago. HA! It certainly doesn't mean I want to go and do that each day and rely on Mr. Phillips for help me out. I kinda like not eating so much. I feel like I have a LOT more energy than eating. When I eat, I get slow and sleepy.

Later today I have a date with some salmon and shrimp. Will make a green salad for it.

I am considering a new project that will require that I keep myself in shape. Kinda excited and worried at the same time. No way to hide the excess weight. So I think I am going to finally have to add exercise into my day. I will start with 3 days this week: Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Ugh-! I can do it. Simple core building things-sit ups, light weights and jump rope. Please send encouraging thoughts. I hate exercise but I gotta do this,

Okay-gotta get to work. More later...
xox

I ate like I didn't care for the past 3 days. It felt good and yet mentally terrible since I know it has consequences. So it's back to being minimal. I don't know how I could get through some of these issues without Phillips-wow. Liquid chalk but damn it works.

Looking forward to tomorrow in a way. Working for the lady I type for & getting busy on the painting commission. Still my heart aches a bit. Perhaps its because I had such a nice weekend. The contrast to getting back to life this week will be hard. Lonely. I know it will change once work starts back at the end of this month. I will be distracted a bit. Ugh-I hate the ebb and flow.

More tomorrow...

(Always curious as to who reads this blog anymore? I see people on my footprints-but wonder how on Earth did you find me. I never promote this anywhere. I thought most who once read-all left. But still I have a very tiny (maybe  4 people?) who still visit. Hello to you...)

Well-I made up for all that not-eating these past 2 days-ugh! HA!

On a completely weird side note: Was watching the swim team-guys tonight-noticing their belly buttons and never mentioned that when I had my operation that they changed my belly button. They made it really smooth and deep. Kinda weird to think of that. Okay-carry on...

I was married 16years ago today

So this not eating thing...?
No...you don't have to worry. I am okay. I am eating-just all at once.
It's summer. It's my mood. It also comes from feeling skinnier. The more weight I lose, the better I feel, the more I believe I can lose.
Far from my goal. It's just hard. I am eliminating so many things-lowering calories slowly and yet-the weight is tough to come off. I am close. I just don't want to stop now.

I went out late afternoon to help stay awake & since I was done with painting for the day-I wanted an escape. Felt weirdly guilty. I never intended to just go out and wander the mall. It is not in my nature. But by 2:30 I was up and out and trying on clothes.

(I had a store credit from a long while back that was just burning to be spent. Oh and since I cleaned the basement of ALL clothes, washed and sorted last week)

Tomorrow is my 16 year Wedding Anniversary and I decided to find a new dress to wear to dinner. I found 2, a skirt, and silver leggings. Better than finding things I wanted to buy? They all fit. AND I didn't get upset at seeing myself in that dreadful mirror! Front and back... It helped that I did my makeup and hair before leaving the house. If you look pretty you tend to feel better in a mirror.

Anyway...I shopped for clothes, walked, felt better-and bought a great lipstick from the MAC store.

Now I have to face a day out with my Dad for lunch. Love going to lunch with him, but nervous to eat twice today (having dinner out w/friends tonight) Sounds dumb to worry. I just have to chose wisely.

Anyhoo-yep. That's whats happening in my weird life. Could be worse.

But after a while, when you stop eating you soon stop being hungry.
Today I didn't eat until 9pm. I could have gone without all together. I was no longer hungry. I managed to live on iced coffee most of the afternoon.

Yes-it soon just becomes a way of life.
Now if only the scale would go down. It is stuck at 133 and will not budge. Strange for not eating. At some point it will.

...taking my birth control pills.
I am not sure what will happen. Will I get my period again? Maybe?
No-hahaa I won't get pregnant. You need that pesky uterus for that.

I just wonder if my face will break out? Will I bleed again during sex?
I have no idea what was going on inside before. Why I would bleed.
Taking the pill everyday-non stop-without a break-so I would not get a period-seemed to work. I didn't bleed.

So why did I go off?

I think I just I needed to take a break. My sex drive packed up and left. It does that you know. That silly pill. I miss feeling interested. I started to feel like a robot. Just going through the motions.

And I am weird about taking anything. I like being free of any and all medicine. Other than the pill-I take nothing. Well-expect a shot of Phillips. That helps keep things moving-especially when things are not moving when I am not eating much. I just like knowing myself. I don't like to rely on any medicine. I will probable have to take things later on in life-so I want to enjoy this freedom now.

...so, in a week, being off the them? I think I might feel better. Ha! (Better than last week for sure)

xox

That I am looking forward to seeing ribs appear soon?
Soon...I hope. It has been so long since I saw them.

This is the closest I have been to feeling good about my body. It helps that I got on the scale and found that I lost weight. I'm not even doing that wacky Atkins Induction at the moment...

Perhaps it has everything to do with how I'm just not eating. Yes-eating is for jerks. Well...maybe it just isn't for me right now.

I guess I am just at a point where I am within reaching my goal-or at least BELIEVING I am going to reach that goal and I just want it bad enough that I am no longer hungry. Or I am really e'ffed up and have a full on eating disorder. Whatever the case I am fine with it.

I've been eating once a day now. Had a small bowl of spaghetti yesterday-that was all. Today? Who know's-it is almost 6pm and I have not eaten. I had coffee though. Lots of coffee. Perhaps I will make a small burger and wrap it in lettuce-later tonight? I don't care if I ever eat again. Eating just is not as enjoyable these days. I mean-I love certain things-like sushi and steak salads or fish tacos-yum! But the daily things-the other meals of the day-are just too much effort. If I was single I would never feed myself-I fear-as all of it is way more than I am willing to do. I would probable just eat a piece of cheese if I was hungry and call it a good day. (Truth) If it wasn't for having to feed him I would never make meals.

*sigh*

He has invited another model over to measure for her photo shoot. I like his models in all of their odd glorified youth. They are not your average girls for sure. Most look unusual with colorful hair or piercings. All of them are thin. All of them are young. Makes being 42 hard. Yet he still seems to be interested in me being his wife. Says he loves me and I know he does. Not sure why he doesn't see me as sexy. I certainly try. Oh well...can't win everything. I will keep fighting against getting old and will never give up myself. I refuse to "let myself go". It is not my nature.

Last August I discovered I had lost weight-weighing in at 128lbs. I wonder if August is just my month? I am close to that now. I suspect that I could be there by the weekend. Especially if I start walking or jumping rope soon.

Anyway-I better get some napping in before the girl gets here. Just a half hour and I'm back up and moving.

More later-xox