In 2007 on this very day, My mother died while I was holding her hand. She had come home from the hospital earlier that cold January day and was there to help her settle in. I did not expect her to leave so soon later that night. Since that time, I have found myself missing her a lot and although my sadness has lessened by time, my anger about the circumstances of her passing still rage inside of me. I never told her how angry her smoking made me. I just didn't fight her on it. She was stubborn and fully addicted. It sucked to grow up around second hand smoke. There are just some people who you cannot reason with about certain things. My mother was one of those people. Now I wonder what if I had only said something?
One day a few weeks earlier, when she was in the hospital, she sat on the bed and proceeded to apologize to me for all the years of smoking. She said she knew it was wrong and that she was foolish for never stopping. She said that it really sucked and if she ONLY knew how awful the end was going to be like she would have tried harder. She asked me to tell anyone who would listen to STOP. That is NOT worth it. That even stopping now will make a difference. To get help. The next few weeks were the worse. She stopped being able to make sense to me. She said she saw a skeleton in a window outside her hospital and would have me check to see what it was and why it was looking at her. THAT stays with you. I had to try and help her with her oxygen mask, tried to brush out the knots in her hair, tried to help her eat. She was about 88lbs. She never knew it was cancer. As I joke-it would have killed her to know this. But she knew it. What else robs you of everything...
I wouldn't change a thing about being there with her on that night in January when she passed away in the living room as my Dad, her brother and his wife, and Thomas looked on. I was lucky to be with her, to be so close, to get to say goodbye and she her go. However I would NEVER wish this on ANYONE. No one these days should have to go through this KNOWING how TOXIC smoking is. She started when smoking was considered mainstream-1949-1950's. She did it for over 50yrs. That was a lame excuse but it was her excuse.
That anger stays with me, but I am finding it hard to keep it inside, and now when I see people smoking, I find it hard to hold my tongue. There are times I just want to scream and say-YOU IGNORANT FUCK-DO YOU KNOW HOW HORRIBLE THE END IS GOING TO BE FOR YOU? I DO! DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO GIVE A LOVED-ONE MORPHINE THROUGH AN EYE-DROPER "AS NEEDED"-JUST TO KEEP THEM COMFORTABLE? I DO! TO WATCH THEM WASTE AWAY AND KNOW THIS COULD HAVE BEEN PREVENTED? I DO
So please if you do smoke, Stop. STOP IT. STOP IT NOW! I don't care for your excuses. Shame on you. There is No reason in this day and age to keep it up. Get help, Do it now. No more excuses. Because the END is GOING TO SUCK!
If you think that living a few more years really doesn't matter in the end-I will tell you that they do. I WISH SHE WAS STILL AROUND. I WISH I HAD another year with her, or 5, or 10! I wish those final years of her declining health, her coughing, her breathing issues, all of it-were not so terrible for her.
So Stop.
Because you know you should.
AND Because I told her I would share this with anyone who cares to listen...
xox
(Miss you Mom...)
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