July 28, 2012

• Good Morning Saturday-you jerk

  I managed to make it out of that past week and into today. Saturday. Ugh...

  All of this is so not easy. I feel like I did when I was 24yrs old having just suffered a terrible break up with a 7yr relationship. That was really awful and a dark time. It was June. The summer was just beginning and I remember not getting out of bed. My Mom and Dad were really concerned. It sucked. I looked ahead at that summer without anyone. I didn't have any friends or any plans. I felt like I lost everything. If it wasn't for my sister in law at that time-for asking me out to lunch I don't know how I would have recovered. I mean... I did. I would have in some way. I just hate having my spirit crushed.

  By July I had signed up for the last 3 college classes. I had grown SO co-dependent on that relationship that I never had to be alone and do things on my own. Going to class for the first time alone was weird. Hard. But I did. I had to. I had to finish college and graduate. I met a boy in the halls. A Sociology major who was a sight to be seen. Piercing and tattoos back then was more rare. By August we started to date. It was good for me to snap out of feeling blue and try dating. Hahaa-I went from being 17yrs old to 24yrs-with one person. What did I know about dating? Nothing. That relationship only made it to the end of October. It was fast and intense and ended surprisingly easy. I moved onto dating a boy I had known while dating my 7yr boy. He knew the baggage I was carrying. He was amazing and so young an a very good friend. Only 19 or 20 and oh could he kiss. Dating him was so good. He was attentive and really fell hard for me. The worst thing was having to end it with him. It was not fair to steal the heart of a boy at that age. (He turned into a great husband and dad these days-and we are still chat once a year or so). I hated having to tell him it was over. I knew how it felt.

  The New Year came and along came my future husband. He was quiet, strong, with an uncertain nature. He asked me out and I was so out of practice that I really didn't get the hint. I liked that he was challenging. Hard to read. Always assertive with life overall. He drove. Had an apartment. I was used to only dating boys. He was very much a man even though he was 2yrs younger than me. We began our relationship back in 1995. A year later we were getting married. That was 16yrs ago.

  He is still hard to read, challenging, assertive, but kind. Some of that is good. Some of it is hard. After all these years I would have thought I would know him inside out and backwards but I never will. Not completely. He is still very much a mystery at times.

  Is this part of my problem?
  That I just feel alone even though I am loved?
  That I am missing something?

  I don't know... I never have gone to a therapist to talk about myself. I never took meds to feel better. Ever. I have always been able to overcome the darkest times inside.

  So why is this "nothing" I am going though, so hard? Perhaps it is not just one thing, but a combination of many things coming together at one time? Perhaps I just never addressed issues from my past? Maybe I am so good at bottling things up that I create this pressure?

  On a side note: I decided to look into possible reasons for this happening and here is what I found-

  * Examine your diet. What you eat - or don’t eat - can influence your mood. The same diets that can cause heart disease and arthritis in some individuals - one that is high in sodium and saturated fat, and low in whole, fresh plant foods and unrefined essential fatty acids (EFAs) - can cause depression in others. Likewise, food allergies can also alter brain function and trigger depression (Biol Psychiatry, 1981; 16: 3-19). Wheat, milk, corn, beef and eggs are common culprits (Ann Allergy, 1982; 48: 166-71). But bear in mind that food allergies linked to depression often have an addictive quality - so whatever you eat compulsively may be contributing to the problem.

  So Did my Adkins Induction trigger this?

  ** Drug-induced depression is very common. Around 200 different classes of drugs have been implicated, including beta-blockers, tranquillisers, corticosteroids and birth-control pills, as well as alcohol and recreational drugs. If you think you may be reacting to a drug, consider switching to another family of drugs or trying other options.

  So are my Birth Control Pills making me crazy (Beside killing my sex drive?)
  Finally it says to:

  * Acknowledge your feelings. Depressed individuals often try to suppress their ‘bad’ feelings, especially those concerning distressing life experiences. ‘Confessing’ your most troubling feelings and experiences in a private diary can have significant long-term benefits on both mental and physical health (J Abnorm Psychol, 1986; 95: 274-81; J Consult Clin Psychol, 1989; 57: 414-9).
  
  I guess only time will tell-as cliche as that sounds. If I could get though the Blues before, I can do it again. Right? Yes.

  Oh well-I better finish up my coffee, and get moving today. Grateful to be distracted but things to do...

  More tomorrow.
  

  • 11:11 am
  • 4 Comments