July 25, 2012

• What is going on?

  For the past 3 days I have been unable to stop feeling completely & utterly sad. To the point of spending the days crying. You see-I don't cry. I rarely feel bad. I don't know how this happened, or how to turn it off. I certainly don't want to feel like this. It is like having the flu. I guess it just has to run its course.

  I just feel alone. Broken.

  I am home each day without anyone. That is not easy for me-more so when I don't have any deadlines.

  I'm having a rough month with money and artful success. I did that solo show and I sat in an empty room-if it wasn't for my friend Joel showing up with his aunt and cousin I would have left early. I think to myself-if I was any one of the artists that I follow here on line, I would have easily had a packed room even in the middle of the summer. I then had to teach a workshop that was split 50/50 and managed $40 a student. I am used to teaching 20 people for $100. I guess I should be grateful for whatever I get. AND the lovely "students" were so nice.

  I have not been able to complete anything I do.

  My on-line photo (365) project is coming to an end today. I am not sure how to continue. I have been doing it for 3years straight and it is a HUGE undertaking to upload a photo each day and not miss. One year is FANTASTIC here I am at 3 years. How do I stop that? Its hard.

  I can't connect to others. I lost friendship with the two friends I usually see on Friday nights. It just happened. They found other friends to do stuff with. I find it hard to think about reconnecting now too. I'm a little mad that it happened. I didn't want things to change like that-they were all we really had for so long. Other than them? I don't have anyone I am close with. No real friends like that. I guess I am not good at making friends. No one really is dedicated to friendship these days. So many are distracted and aloof.

  Yes-I have Thomas and he is trying to do what he can to help-but he has his own emotions to deal with. It makes us both broken at the moment.

  I am not working in the real sense of earning a paycheck. I am only scheduled to work one class this semester due to budget cut backs and changes. I look ahead and I am so nervous. It is not easy to navigate working in a strange world of art.

  So you would think-just get busy. Go do something. Sure...so when I went to paint yesterday, I felt completely overwhelmed and sick to my stomach. Do you think there is a correlation? Yes. I only wish I had a deadline for something so I could ignore my feelings and just get busy.

  It is so much more.

  The death of my Mom is weighing on me. I went to try to find my Grandmother's grave and found it gone. I worry about my Dad. I worry about being alone. I really miss my friend who passed away (Today would have been his 61 birthday). He was always good at pep-talks that motivated me. More and more people pass away the older I get. Slowly and then it will speed up. How can my heart take that?

  All of this happens when I am left alone to think.

  I am smart-I know how to logically FIX this. Get up-go out-make new friends-make more art-be fantastic. But right now-I can't. I can barely leave the house. (*I did go out last night and hung out with my Friend Joel. It helped a lot because he is so good at making great conversation. I felt good for those few hours and I really looked forward to getting up-getting dressed, showered, and actually ate ice cream that he insisted I eat. It was JUST what I needed. But he has a life and can not do this everyday. I wish he could. I wish he could be my 100% full time best friend.

  Anyway...I have no real reason to feel bad. It is like I am not grateful for anything I do have. But that is not it. You could tell me to feel better or point out all of these things and it doesn't change Chemistry. I am not in control of whatever is flowing through me. It sits right at the top of my chest. With one deep breath it comes flowing out. A feeling of pain that is not real pain in the sense of being physical. It is emotional. It brings tears and sobbing and well..it sucks.

  I want to Not feel like this. I don't have time to sit around and stare outside. Why am I so unhappy?

  Because if it was only one thing-I could work on it. But it is so many things all at once.

  I just hope that tomorrow I can wake up and not cry.

  • 9:57 am
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